...but what you really mean is something else?"
"A Lie."
"No."
"A Euphemism."
"Euphemism... exactly. Yes, there's a bit too much honey going around here if you ask me."
-BBC's Robin Hood (the true mirror of our lives)
Do you have a word or phrase you use but in reality it means something else than it normally would? Recently one of my roommates told me that when someone asks me some derivative of "You alright?" and I answer "sure" I really mean "no". Not an untrue observation. And it's only with that word; I don't intentionally mean it that way, but 'sure" just comes out.
I've felt that way a lot lately: like a walking contradiction. The last two months I've been trying to handle several changes and circumstances that I don't readily have the solutions to currently. They aren't life-shattering events in and of themselves--numerous college students have to decide on a major/career choice, it's pretty normal to miss your family if you haven't seen them for six months and probably won't for six more months, and most girls I know get frustrated with guys at one time or another--and yet it is difficult to work through all those and other apprehensions at once when I don't know how, or am unable, to solve them. Meanwhile, as I attempted to figure it out, I also strove to act normally, because no one wants to hang around a whiner, do they? I'm no actress, however. Pretending to be fine actually ended up muddling my feelings on everything 'cause I wanted to be fine even if I wasn't (and it was dead tiring, admittedly). Finding out that what I was studying to be and had worked to be for as long as I can remember came as a hard blow, to be honest, and confused me somewhat about what my direction is right now. Thus, more jumbled feelings. So, that's what I mean by being contradictory: I could pick out what and for the most part why I felt a particular way, but all of those individual feelings didn't mesh together cohesively and I didn't know how to feel because of that. Yes, I did just write that I didn't know how to feel about how I felt. I am a girl, after all.
The rest of this post is my way of sorting my thoughts and feelings out now that I have a little more perspective on things. Music is very therapeutic for me. Lyrics in songs have a way of articulating my thoughts/feelings in a way that is poignant and soothes even when the words are close to painful. Over the last few weeks I constructed what is essentially a gigantic song with lyrics from a mix of dozens of songs* that have spoken to me, with some explanatory comments interspersed. It doesn't really 'flow' well, but that wasn't my intention anyway. Similar thoughts are grouped together, so it shouldn't be hard to follow. You could even say it resembles the story of my life lately, and it even has a happy ending! If you have found me rather difficult/moody/just plain strange the last little while, this might clear that up a bit.
To give this a loose title, I'll go with, 'Oh, inconsistent me, crying out for consistency.' That sums most of it up fairly well.
‘Tides that I tried to swim against brought me down upon my knees. ‘
‘You can’t take me and throw me away.… And how can the world want me to change? They’re the ones that stay the same… ‘
‘I was thinking, over thinking, ‘cause there's just too many scenarios to think about, to figure out…’
‘But the things you're telling me, I can't yet believe. Yet, can't ignore.’
‘And I've collected all these thoughts, and I'm dying just to lose them…. Sometimes the hardest thing to believe is the truth.’
‘Not knowing which direction’s the correct one. Do I discard or remake it?’
‘And the hardest part was letting go, not taking part…. Oh, and I, I wish that I could work it out.’
‘Sometimes solutions aren’t so simple; sometimes goodbye’s the only way.’
‘But I don't want it - no - I can't want it anymore...’
This was the beginning, mostly referring to learning that it was not going to be possible for me to be a vet (competently--that's important) solely because of my physical limitations. Not that I changed my mind or it was a difficult path; I still want it, but I can't have it any longer. My blood still boils a little every once and awhile that I was told that I can't attain it, but I know it's true, too. I didn't want to believe it, didn't want to accept it, except I can't ignore the truth. Even upon realizing that, letting go of dreams is never easy.
‘Where to? Where do I go? How long do I have to climb up on the side of this mountain of mine?’
‘You don’t know what you wanna do, ‘cause what you want does not want you.’
‘Your energy comes and goes; you’re taking your time. You know nothing can change what happened, so back to the start now.’
Just general perplexity about what to do now. I have a "take action" personalty, so dealing with unclear direction was definitively unsettling.
''Cause if I'm restless then why do I want nothing but to rest my soul?’
‘I'd like to make myself believe that planet earth turns slowly.’
‘And I don't get this and I know why. You see, sometimes things are just beyond control.’
‘I'm dealing with what I can't control. Feeling confused 'cause I don't know.’
‘[But] the truth is, excuses are lame.’
‘Some things you have to believe, but others are puzzles, puzzling me’
These kind of go with the previous three quotes, but they also convey the side of me that was somewhat apathetic, or maybe a better word would be weary. I knew I needed to--without necessarily knowing specifically what I should do--continue to live the best that I can, be patient, and putting my trust in the Lord, knowjng that He would lead me. However, after nearly two months, I did get tired of not knowing and I didn't feel like I cared about any of my other options. Nothing in my life seemed to be working out. I was tired of it all and just wanted answers now. Not the best perspective, I know, that's why I also have the excuses line. I knew I could do better.
‘Now I see, if I wear a mask I can fool the world, but I cannot fool my heart.’‘
They tell me your passion's gone away….You're faking a smile….You tell me your life's been way off line, you're falling to pieces every time.’
‘You could try to carry on when all you wanna do is cry.’
‘Just because you were hurt doesn't mean you shouldn't bleed.’
‘Are you lost or incomplete? Do you feel like a puzzle, you can't find your missing piece?’
‘Is there anybody out there who is lost and hurt and lonely too? Are they bleeding all your colors into one?’
‘Everything I do, it's just comes undone.’
A little dramatic, yes, but true for one side of me for a couple weeks. As I mentioned before, I tried to act as though I was fine, but the emotional turmoil I had inside created cracks in that pretense from the start. I was talking to a friend a few weeks ago which made me see that I knew I was right to feel hurt and sad, but I also felt like I should be strong. Half of me wanted just to be hugged 24/7 (sadly, not practical) and the other half wanted everyone to tell me to "suck it up" since I had been trying to unsuccessfully tell myself to do just that.
‘Today I don't know how to keep it all inside, but I guess I'll let it slide.… I don't know how to let it slide…’
‘You want somebody, just anybody, to lay their hands on your soul tonight…’
‘I never stopped to think of you.… I never really wanted you to see the screwed up side of me that I keep locked inside of me so deep, it always seems to get to me.’
‘Why must we all conceal what we think, how we feel? Must there be a secret me I’m forced to hide?’
‘Sometimes it's embarrassing to talk to you. To hold a conversation with [some]one who sees right through this version of myself I try to hide behind. I'll bury my face because my disgrace will leave me terrified.’
‘'Cause I don't want you to know where I am, 'cause then you'll see my heart in the saddest state it's ever been.’
‘Don’t look at me; I don’t want you to see me this way.’
And its time to own up: I was kind of a jerk to some of my friends during the last part of June. I really care about and appreciate my friends and all they do for me, and yet because I was having a hard time I didn't always treat them very well. I don't have any qualms with being honest with anyone and I usually welcome help when I need it, but I think a small part of me thought that though I know my strong points, if I revealed all my anxieties and such, then my weaknesses would be all that showed. As well, the last quotes below are the more "inspiring" songs that I want to emulate and that were a comfort to me, however, irrationally, if my friends tried to help me by saying essentially the same things as in these songs, I reacted rather prickly. Basically, this was me:
I apologize for that, it was not my intention.
And now on to the happy ending I promised:
‘And I'll let it be known, at times I have shown, signs of all my weakness; but somewhere in me there is strength.’
‘This is just one of those lonely nights. The good times gonna come.’
‘I'm holding on.… It's simple but I can't explain this….I'm sinking down.… I still believe it when you say, it's another perfect day, Another perfect day….’
‘It's just your doubt that binds you. Just drop those thoughts behind you now.’
‘'Cause if I don't know then I don't know, but I may know someone who knows me more than I. And if I somehow could rest this soul, maybe control can find its way back to my life.’
‘Slow down, you crazy child. Slow down, you're doing fine. You can't be everything you want to be before your time.’
‘And sometimes the place I'm at is at a loss for words. And through the times I've faded, You've outlined me again.’
‘Now I've been leaning towards a life far more candid, though led through the dark with your eyes as my candles. And all of a sudden you've left me to handle the reasons that never forbid me to stand tall.’
‘Be strong in the Lord and never give up hope--you're going to do great things, I already know.’
‘And the world is still sleepin’, while I keep on dreamin’ for me…. They can’t see me, but I’m still here…’
‘Yesterday is not quite what it could've been. As were most of all the days before. But I swear today with every breath I'm breathing in, I'll be trying to make it so much more. ‘Cause it seems I get so hung up on the history of what's gone wrong, and the hope of a new day is sometimes hard to see. But I'm finally catching onto it, the past is just a conduit, and the light there at the end is where I'll be…. ‘Cause I'm just trying to be a better version of me.’
This is what I want and am trying to do. I still don't know what exactly I'm going to do and how everything is going to work out, but it will. And that's what is most important. And I have a small step forward: I know I want to help people. I want to do great things, and I can.
And finally, one last line that I connect with:
'Pernicious, and vicious, acetate.'
Pretty much how I feel about organic chemistry at the moment :)
*Credit for song lyrics go to Relient K, Coldplay, John Rzeznik, All American Rejects, Linkin Park, Whoever Wrote the Music for Wicked, Gary Go, OneRepublic, Christina Aguliera, Daniel Powter, Rob Thomas, Secondhand Serenade, Owl City, American Wi-Fi, Aqualung, Crossfade, Chicago, David Archuleta, Billy Joel, Passion Pit, Sidewalk Prophets, and The Network. I am, of course, not trying to pass them as my own. I just enjoy having such great songs!
This was the beginning, mostly referring to learning that it was not going to be possible for me to be a vet (competently--that's important) solely because of my physical limitations. Not that I changed my mind or it was a difficult path; I still want it, but I can't have it any longer. My blood still boils a little every once and awhile that I was told that I can't attain it, but I know it's true, too. I didn't want to believe it, didn't want to accept it, except I can't ignore the truth. Even upon realizing that, letting go of dreams is never easy.
‘Where to? Where do I go? How long do I have to climb up on the side of this mountain of mine?’
‘You don’t know what you wanna do, ‘cause what you want does not want you.’
‘Your energy comes and goes; you’re taking your time. You know nothing can change what happened, so back to the start now.’
Just general perplexity about what to do now. I have a "take action" personalty, so dealing with unclear direction was definitively unsettling.
''Cause if I'm restless then why do I want nothing but to rest my soul?’
‘I'd like to make myself believe that planet earth turns slowly.’
‘And I don't get this and I know why. You see, sometimes things are just beyond control.’
‘I'm dealing with what I can't control. Feeling confused 'cause I don't know.’
‘[But] the truth is, excuses are lame.’
‘Some things you have to believe, but others are puzzles, puzzling me’
These kind of go with the previous three quotes, but they also convey the side of me that was somewhat apathetic, or maybe a better word would be weary. I knew I needed to--without necessarily knowing specifically what I should do--continue to live the best that I can, be patient, and putting my trust in the Lord, knowjng that He would lead me. However, after nearly two months, I did get tired of not knowing and I didn't feel like I cared about any of my other options. Nothing in my life seemed to be working out. I was tired of it all and just wanted answers now. Not the best perspective, I know, that's why I also have the excuses line. I knew I could do better.
‘Now I see, if I wear a mask I can fool the world, but I cannot fool my heart.’‘
They tell me your passion's gone away….You're faking a smile….You tell me your life's been way off line, you're falling to pieces every time.’
‘You could try to carry on when all you wanna do is cry.’
‘Just because you were hurt doesn't mean you shouldn't bleed.’
‘Are you lost or incomplete? Do you feel like a puzzle, you can't find your missing piece?’
‘Is there anybody out there who is lost and hurt and lonely too? Are they bleeding all your colors into one?’
‘Everything I do, it's just comes undone.’
A little dramatic, yes, but true for one side of me for a couple weeks. As I mentioned before, I tried to act as though I was fine, but the emotional turmoil I had inside created cracks in that pretense from the start. I was talking to a friend a few weeks ago which made me see that I knew I was right to feel hurt and sad, but I also felt like I should be strong. Half of me wanted just to be hugged 24/7 (sadly, not practical) and the other half wanted everyone to tell me to "suck it up" since I had been trying to unsuccessfully tell myself to do just that.
‘Today I don't know how to keep it all inside, but I guess I'll let it slide.… I don't know how to let it slide…’
‘You want somebody, just anybody, to lay their hands on your soul tonight…’
‘I never stopped to think of you.… I never really wanted you to see the screwed up side of me that I keep locked inside of me so deep, it always seems to get to me.’
‘Why must we all conceal what we think, how we feel? Must there be a secret me I’m forced to hide?’
‘Sometimes it's embarrassing to talk to you. To hold a conversation with [some]one who sees right through this version of myself I try to hide behind. I'll bury my face because my disgrace will leave me terrified.’
‘'Cause I don't want you to know where I am, 'cause then you'll see my heart in the saddest state it's ever been.’
‘Don’t look at me; I don’t want you to see me this way.’
And its time to own up: I was kind of a jerk to some of my friends during the last part of June. I really care about and appreciate my friends and all they do for me, and yet because I was having a hard time I didn't always treat them very well. I don't have any qualms with being honest with anyone and I usually welcome help when I need it, but I think a small part of me thought that though I know my strong points, if I revealed all my anxieties and such, then my weaknesses would be all that showed. As well, the last quotes below are the more "inspiring" songs that I want to emulate and that were a comfort to me, however, irrationally, if my friends tried to help me by saying essentially the same things as in these songs, I reacted rather prickly. Basically, this was me:
I apologize for that, it was not my intention.
And now on to the happy ending I promised:
‘And I'll let it be known, at times I have shown, signs of all my weakness; but somewhere in me there is strength.’
‘This is just one of those lonely nights. The good times gonna come.’
‘I'm holding on.… It's simple but I can't explain this….I'm sinking down.… I still believe it when you say, it's another perfect day, Another perfect day….’
‘It's just your doubt that binds you. Just drop those thoughts behind you now.’
‘'Cause if I don't know then I don't know, but I may know someone who knows me more than I. And if I somehow could rest this soul, maybe control can find its way back to my life.’
‘Slow down, you crazy child. Slow down, you're doing fine. You can't be everything you want to be before your time.’
‘And sometimes the place I'm at is at a loss for words. And through the times I've faded, You've outlined me again.’
‘Now I've been leaning towards a life far more candid, though led through the dark with your eyes as my candles. And all of a sudden you've left me to handle the reasons that never forbid me to stand tall.’
‘Be strong in the Lord and never give up hope--you're going to do great things, I already know.’
‘And the world is still sleepin’, while I keep on dreamin’ for me…. They can’t see me, but I’m still here…’
‘Yesterday is not quite what it could've been. As were most of all the days before. But I swear today with every breath I'm breathing in, I'll be trying to make it so much more. ‘Cause it seems I get so hung up on the history of what's gone wrong, and the hope of a new day is sometimes hard to see. But I'm finally catching onto it, the past is just a conduit, and the light there at the end is where I'll be…. ‘Cause I'm just trying to be a better version of me.’
This is what I want and am trying to do. I still don't know what exactly I'm going to do and how everything is going to work out, but it will. And that's what is most important. And I have a small step forward: I know I want to help people. I want to do great things, and I can.
And finally, one last line that I connect with:
'Pernicious, and vicious, acetate.'
Pretty much how I feel about organic chemistry at the moment :)
*Credit for song lyrics go to Relient K, Coldplay, John Rzeznik, All American Rejects, Linkin Park, Whoever Wrote the Music for Wicked, Gary Go, OneRepublic, Christina Aguliera, Daniel Powter, Rob Thomas, Secondhand Serenade, Owl City, American Wi-Fi, Aqualung, Crossfade, Chicago, David Archuleta, Billy Joel, Passion Pit, Sidewalk Prophets, and The Network. I am, of course, not trying to pass them as my own. I just enjoy having such great songs!
